Empowerment or Exploitation?

A lot has been written recently about a certain Only Fans performer and her latest publicity stunt.  I’m not naming names because I’m not writing this to feed an algorithm.

I watched from afar as all of the usual tropes about that industry were rolled out from both sides, together with the assumption that there must be trauma in her past, and judgements were passed on her parents for supporting her in what she’d planned to do.  There were also lots of assumptions made about the mental health, character and personality of the performer.

It made for difficult and interesting reading.  Like most things that reach the shadow-side of most of us, it’s contentious.

I wonder how many people remained silent because something in what she had planned struck a chord with them?  Spoke to their deepest, darkest, depraved desires that they dare not share for fear of being judged or vilified?

As someone who once worked in that industry, I understand why she was planning such a stunt.  I also understand why she was doing it so publicly.

When you’re in that industry, the depraved becomes normal and you become desensitised to it.  Whatever you’re surrounded by becomes your normality, and when the people around you are also involved in the same sorts of depravity it accentuates the ‘normality’ of what you’re doing.

What she was planning isn’t new.  That sort of event takes place every single day in closed rooms up and down the country.  And every single day there are men willing to pay to take part in this.  Those are the events and people we should worry about.  No-one other than those directly involved knows where they are, who is attending, and worries about the safety of the performer.  Whether you like what she was planning or not, she was actually quite clever about it.

By promoting it so publicly, she made herself as safe as she possibly could be in what was a potentially lethal setting.  And the likelihood is, she would have been surrounded by security carefully managing the situation.

Even her parents, who were vilified and accused of all sorts of things, possibly felt that the best way to look after their daughter was to support her, and show that they are there for her whether they agreed with her choices or not.  It’s not so easy to pop an adult child in a stroller, or under your arm and remove them from potentially dangerous situations.  Ask the parents of any drug addict.  Sometimes, the best thing to do is keep them close, manage the situation as best as you can, and know when and who to call if things take a turn for the worse.

Her choices right now are unlikely to be her choices in 20 years’ time.  It’s quite likely that she’ll look back and regret some of her choices and public declarations.  But it’s equally likely that she’ll look back on her experiences, all of them, and feel a sense of empowerment and strength.  When she reaches midlife, is in peri or post-menopause, she might look back and yearn for the woman she once was.  She’ll wish she had the same chutzpah and confidence, not to mention the figure!

Before passing judgement on this young woman who is earning a living in a way that she chooses, ask yourself what led her to this?  Have you walked even a few steps in her shoes?

Without ALL of the information, not a single one of us has a right to tell her how to live her life.

We can all project our own thoughts, values and experiences on her, but unless we’ve walked in her shoes, had exactly the same experiences as her, and were in exactly the same frame of mind when she made the decisions that have led her to where she is today, we have absolutely NO RIGHT to pass judgement on her choices.

We have a right to our opinions about it, and those will be as wide and varied as we are as individuals.  We have a right to worry about her.  To question what we don’t understand and to disagree with the choices of someone when they don’t align with our own values. But we have absolutely no right to judge.

And just as there are some people who are pro that industry, there will be those who are anti the industry.

For the record, I sit in the middle. There is good and bad in that industry just as there is in any other industry out there.

It’s an industry that literally saved my life, and is the reason I’m here today. That industry did not damage me, I wasn’t forced into it, and I wasn’t damaged by it.  I won’t vilify it, but neither will I promote it as a good career move.

Is it a route I would take if I could go back and relive the events that led me to it?  No.

But I have absolutely no regrets and I sincerely hope that in 15 to 20 years’ time, the OF performer will be able to say the same thing.

My biggest fear for her is not the men who all want a piece of her and the notoriety that comes with that, but the hordes of angry women tearing her down.  As women, it’s high time we supported each other without judgement.

However, it’s up to us as individuals to decide whether her stunt is empowerment or exploitation.