To the left, or to the right?

I was once a member of a far-right political party.  Somewhere there will be a list with my name on it that provides ‘evidence’.

Why ‘evidence’ in inverted commas?

Because I didn’t know I was a member of the party until my membership card landed on the doormat.

It is the biggest source of shame in my life.

I didn’t understand it back then, but I’ve learned over the years that it was coercive control.

When I wondered out loud why I had received a membership card for the party which was so far removed from my values and principles that I really didn’t understand it all, my ex-husband told me “I signed us both up to the XNX”.

Despite my protestations he informed me that I had no choice over which political party I was affiliated with.  Apparently, as his wife I had to support his political ideologies and that was the end of the argument.

He had always questioned me about which way I voted whenever we went to the polling station, and I had always lied and told him I’d supported whichever party he appeared to be aligning himself with at that particular time.  I can’t recall a single occasion when our politics actually aligned.

Although he openly demonstrated his racism, homophobia and misogyny at home, he was careful to tone it down in public. Although I challenged it in the at home, I couldn’t dare challenge him in public. The repercussions would be too much.

However, this was different.

He was making a very loud statement of control in this one simple action.  And this one statement of his control will follow me around for the rest of my life.  After all, the data doesn’t lie!

So yes, I was a member of a far-right political party.  It’s a side of domestic abuse that very few people see and even fewer understand.

I lost friends at the time because of this affiliation.  Whenever the conversation turned to politics I was expected to share ‘our’ support for this party.  If my husband was within earshot I didn’t dare say otherwise, it simply wasn’t safe for me to do so.

Over the years as I’ve learned and studied more about domestic abuse, psychology and human behaviour I can understand, but not condone, his fear-based actions.

Now that I’m outside of the situation I can clearly see the coercive control and manipulation and can empathise with those friends who simply couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t say ‘no’ and stand up for myself.

It’s the equivalent of saying “Why don’t you just leave?”  It’s simply not safe to do so.  It’s safer to stay with what you know.

My ex-husband sadly hasn’t changed.

But I have.

I no longer acquiesce to another’s demands or align myself to their way of thinking for a safe life.

I stand up to bullies.

And I make sure that I stand up for my own values and principles, no matter the cost.

Coercive control and domestic abuse steal your life, and it takes a very long time to unpick every strand, but it’s not impossible.

It’s why I do the work I do today, because survivors of domestic abuse do not have to be defined by their past. They can create amazing new lives no matter how frightening or challenging that prospect may be.

I know because I’ve done it.