How I learned to stop wearing armour

Many survivors of domestic abuse wear armour.  They may not realise it, but they do.

We’ve all heard of wearing several hats dependent on the role we’re undertaking; daughter, parent, child, colleague, business owner, etc., and for some people that will be putting on a uniform or specific item of clothing to undertake the relevant role but for survivors of domestic abuse it’s different.

Working in the City in the 1990’s, my armour was my pinstripe suit and killer heels.  It helped me overcome imposter syndrome, and to cope with being a female in very male-dominated industries.  This was also the era of the b*tch thanks to Joan Collins’ Alexis in Dynasty and I was quite happy to project a similar energy.

At the time, I was overcoming my first divorce, from my physically, sexually, psychologically and financially abusive husband.  My armour served me well and gave me a false confidence that I didn’t always feel on a daily basis.

My suit and heels combo served me well until at least 2008.  It carried me through the launch of my first business after walking out my job, it gave me confidence and strength when my second marriage fell apart with the realisation that I’d been in a psychologically and financially abusive relationship.

Thereafter the boss b*tch look felt a bit tired, but I had another more subtle piece of armour, that I’d worn daily but never really recognised as armour.

And that was my red lipstick.

When I look back, there was hardly a day in 20 years where I didn’t wear red lipstick.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE red lipstick and finding the shade that suits you perfectly is a feeling like no other.

BUT I had become so attached to my armour of red that I couldn’t function without it.

It had become my psychological crutch, and I hadn’t even realised.

The red lipstick said to me “I’m confident”, “I’m untouchable”, “You can’t hurt me”

I felt unstoppable whenever I put it on and believed that if I was ‘confident enough’ to wear red lipstick, then I had to act as if I was confident enough to wear red lipstick.

This was great in tricking me to be able to carry on when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide away from the World, but the reality is that when I eventually decided I needed and wanted to remove this mask and learn to face the World without my ‘armour’ I struggled.

For a start, I had to get used to what I looked like without my red lipstick and I wasn’t sure I liked what I saw.

Then I had to get used to allowing other people to see me without my armour.

I felt vulnerable, afraid and naked.

It’s taken many years for me to get comfortable being ‘naked’.  These days I wear red lipstick because I like it and it happens to match my outfit – red is one of my favourite colours and I wear a lot of it – but I no longer wear it as armour.

Domestic abuse took too many years away from me to continue hiding.

The work I’ve done to create my Blockbuster Life has meant I no longer need to put on a suit of armour to face the World.  Creating my Blockbuster Life enables me to be me.

For any survivor of domestic abuse reading this, I promise that one day you will stop wearing that armour whether it’s lipstick, a hair colour, a hat, an oversized coat, or a book to hide behind.  you won’t need it forever. Step by step, you can build a life where you feel safe enough to be fully yourself.

If you’re ready to start creating YOUR Blockbuster Life, I invite you to take that first step today. Let’s work together to uncover the real, confident, unstoppable you—without the armour.