You’ve changed

This week I’ve been reminded how we all handle change differently and how that difference can impact our relationships.

Firstly my parents, who two months ago had sold their house and put a deposit down on a new house, stopped everything.  They took their house off the market and withdrew from their purchase less than a week after securing everything.

They’ve now decided that they definitely want to move!

Within 24 hours of making that decision their house was back on the market and they had reinstated their deposit on the property they loved which had become re-available.

I have a feeling I’m going to need a wine fridge to get me through the next few months!

I asked them what changed their mind.

There were a number of things that caused the change of mind but predominantly it was the fear of change, and the overwhelm they felt at having to handle all of the change, that caused them to pull out in the first place.

Secondly, my son had a total meltdown and had to come home from college.

Trust me, a musical theatre student having a meltdown is not pretty!

He’s had a really good year, his end of year show last week was brilliant (and I’m not just saying that because I’m his mum, I was genuinely blown away by the talent of the cast).  But after the show, the focus for the last week of college was on getting started on UCAS which will be a significant part of the year for him and his peers when they return in September.

The prospect of leaving college, moving away, starting something new and unfamiliar was so daunting for him that he simply couldn’t cope.

He actually recognised that he isn’t great with change and was afraid of things changing.

Fortunately, I was able to listen to and support both my parents and my son, but often in relationships we forget that our partner may react to change differently to ourselves.

I first discovered Fisher’s Process of Transition when I was a member of the Institute of Leadership and Management, long before I started studying psychology. I used to keep an image of it pinned on my noticeboard near my desk to remind me that my team would all respond to change in different ways.  It’s a tool I use a lot in my coaching.

When things change in relationships, and it could be minor changes like a partner’s new haircut or doing your big shop in a different supermarket, to something a bit more significant like a job change, a change in circumstances or a house move, we all respond to them differently and a small change for one person could be a mammoth change for someone else.

Some people are completely pragmatic and just get on with it with barely a ruffled feather, whilst others become anxious, angry or even depressed at the change or simply the prospect of change.

What is important to remember is that all of these responses are usually temporary and that change too, is usually temporary even if it takes years rather than hours to become comfortable.  Before long the change becomes the new normal and everything settles down again until the next change comes along.

We all react differently to different types of changes.  For example, I handle huge life-changing changes really well.  When my partner and I both lost our jobs during the pandemic and our family income went down to 12.5% of what it had been overnight, I handled it really well (that’s when I decided my coaching practice would become my job rather than my hobby or side hustle), but change my brand of oat milk or break my favourite mug or wine glass and I’ll sulk for days because I need to use something different.  I’ll complain that my drinks taste different, that the mug or glass is too chunky, too big, too small, too thin, doesn’t look right, doesn’t feel right, or any one of a number of things I’ll find fault with.

The diagram is too detailed to explain fully here but here’s a link to it so you can take a look yourself.

I highly recommend printing it out and pinning it to your noticeboard or sticking it on your fridge – wine fridge if you have one.

If you think that change is negatively impacting your relationship it’s something to look at and ask “Where am I on the process of transition? Where’s my partner on the process of transition?” and if you need further help, just get in touch.